Search this blog

Friday, May 29, 2015

Monsieur Perdu

It is really shocking. About an hour ago--and I don't know why the timing matters--I finished a conversation with my mom. A very strange conversation. One about the future. The future, funnily, started last week.

On May 20, a Wednesday nine days ago, I had the last two exams of my bachelor's degree "campaign". This took me seven years--at least two years more than average. My "plan" is to pursue higher education. To become a teacher is my ultimate goal. I always say that in order to change society, one must be in an influential position. And what's a better place than that of a teacher?
In order to fulfill any such aspirations, I need to further my studies in another country. Firstly, because education in Jordan ain't so good; and, secondly, because it seems that one can't get a scholarship "in here".

What I couldn't believe, though, is that my mom is absolutely averse to my leaving "home". And I placed quotation marks around that word because Jordan never really felt like one. She said it is a good idea to go somewhere else, gather the knowledge you need, and then get back to your place of origin. Many a time had I expressed to her my extreme annoyance at what life is like here: that not only are we deprived of many of our basic rights; but also that we, as a family, are kind of stigmatized. To my surprise, she was offended. She felt betrayed!

I made my mom sad! I feel I'm an evil person. But I am really lost. I do want to take care of her; she's the most important person in my life. But how can I do that in such a place? I almost never think about money in this context, but how can I take care of her under these unjust circumstances? I said that this society has always rejected us, that I've always felt inferior, but I couldn't get her to know how I feel. Oh, well! How can I get anyone to know how I feel?

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

A Short Rant: Self-loathing

This doesn't make sense at all!

I feel bad about myself because I believe in my inferiority, and this feeling in itself only serves to make me perform inferiorly. It works on all levels. In school, for instance, I lack the confidence to ask people to "let me fix their teeth" because I don't feel qualified to do so, but the only way to gain experience and become a qualified practitioner is to do some actual work. I read when I feel ignorant, but acquiring knowledge and applying that knowledge are two different things.

What should I do with myself? How do I learn to like myself?